Can Anybody Point out Errors in This Essay?

Have you ever found yourself sitting in class rushing to get homework done, which is due next hour, while also trying to pay attention to the lesson at hand? In other words, do you ever find yourself swamped with homework every night? A similar situation happens to many students everyday. In particular, many teachers don’t give students enough time to do homework during class. Nonetheless, IVC should make first hour a 40-minute study hall daily.
First, students that would benefit the most from having a 40-minute study hall daily would be students that have jobs after school. Therefore, a student who works far away from home may not have enough time to do their homework once they get home. Similarly, students who have to work unexpected overtime might get home too late. In addition, some students don’t have computers at home and have to go to the library to do their homework, but by the time they get off work the library is closed. With respect to the opposition’s idea that students don’t have to work, some do in order to pay for their gas and car insurance.
In the second place, many students that have sporting events after school would considerably benefit from having a study hall. For instance, some games are far away and by the time they get home it is too late to do homework. Likewise, if a game went into overtime they would get home even later. More specifically, by the time they got home they might be too exhausted to complete their homework. Some might argue that students don’t have to play sports, but in order to get scholarships, some students have to.
Furthermore, IVC should make a daily study hall for students that don’t understand their homework. Since some students have to have their parents help them understand difficult homework, what would they do if their parents weren’t home? In fact, many students aren’t motivated to do their homework after school, because of things like video games and computers. In spite of not being motivated, if it wasn’t their favorite subject, then it would be even more difficult for them to concentrate and complete their homework. While those who disagree may argue that they should have asked their teachers for help after school, some don’t have the time to.
In conclusion, IVC should make first hour a 40-minute study hall daily, simply for students that have jobs after school, sporting events, or students that don’t understand their homework. As a result of the study hall, not only could students go to second hour feeling refreshed, but also prepared to learn without having to stress out about not finishing their homework.

Great essay by the way.I like the points made.
A few corrections only by the way.You don't even have to bother but:
1)In the second line,do not use 'In other words'.It is sort of like a different question even though you are trying to reiterate the same point.Start with 'Do you…..?' itself.It sounds more assertive and professional.
2)In the third paragraph,start with 'Secondly' instead of 'In the second place'.In the second place sounds sort of wrong in this essay.You see English requires parallels.If the Second para starts with First then the next para must follow the same format.Maybe you can remove the 'First' or 'Second' idea all together.It makes it sound to science.Just start with the points.
Well that's all.
Great essay.An A deserving definitely.
TA!