It's this constant feeling of not having achieved enough. The desire to feel like i am not a loser drives me. I don't know if that's the healthiest thing—to be motivated by a fear of hating yourself. But it definitely helps. In a perfect world I would overcome the sense that I suck constantly.
Emotionally I dwell on things forever. I'm an obsessive thinker. I obsess on things I've done wrong. Even worse than mistakes, I'll dwell on what I'm not doing at the moment and what my limitations are.
I tend to blame myself for everything. There's an expression I've heard used for people in my shoes, people who see themselves like I see myself. I feel like I'm "the piece of **** at the center of the universe." It's a paradox. You feel like you're so shitty you ruin everything, but you're so important and powerful that you caused it, that you actually are to blame for everything. I'm doing the best I can, and maybe that's enough.
why can i love my self and feel good about myself as a person?
Instead of not being happy with your circumstances, FIRST and foremost, you must accept where you are and love yourself regardless. If you don't have people who support you, you may have to change your environment. You may need to find people who will believe in you that you make it in life.
People mess up, a lot of people mess up, just because you messed up, doesn't mean it's the end. It ends when you quit. But as long as you keep trying it never ends.
Set yourself some simple goals to accomplish everyday, for example, doing 10 push ups a day, or calling one of your relative everyday. Something simple sense of accomplishments, maybe send out one resume or fill out an application, then you will start feeling that you can achieve tasks and don't have to quit from your tasks.
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There is no option but to attain solipsism in your life.
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